Practicing with Difficulty in the Sangha

 Clear Communication Process

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          Being together, and seeing together, the truths of our differences.

 

In the context of practice, differences can be opportunities to explore our minds and hearts and to develop ways to communicate clearly. Working together in our practice and volunteer roles, we usually find that our interactions are positive and beneficial, but sometimes we discover that we have opposing needs or goals.  When this happens, the frustration we can feel may lead to misunderstanding, even to feeling affronted or threatened.  We may react defensively or angrily without understanding why we are upset.  A conflict ensues.

 

Conflict is felt internally, but we can believe it is caused entirely by something or someone external to us.  However, although an event or action has triggered a negative reaction in us, it has not actually caused our reaction.  Because we so closely associate our feeling with what triggered it, we can mistakenly believe that the other person is solely responsible.  Depending on our own personal history and experiences, our egos can be aroused and lead us to believe we are not safe, not welcome, not important, not loved.  When these fears occur, it is important for us to look deeply at ourselves, to understand what causes and conditions we bring to the situation. Buddhist teachings are very helpful here.

 

In the context of sangha, we can use miscommunication or conflict as an opportunity to examine our needs and how better to fulfill them.  Talking honestly and listening deeply to each other allows us to grow in wisdom and compassion.  We can come to understand why we have reacted as we have.  We can learn about the needs and reactions of others.  With the new awareness we find together, we can better support each other, strengthening our individual practice as well as deepening our trust in sangha.

 

The tools and models offered here for resolving differences are skillful means to help us take disagreements seriously, but also with some lightness.  Following is an outline of suggested steps to take when conflict arises and we feel the need to explore a situation.

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Looking at Options for Resolution

Part  A.     Before Taking Action, Reflect on Your Part in a Conflict 

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1.  Self-Observation.     To understand your present state of being, sit in zazen:

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• Notice emotional states – if you feel angry, see if you can identify feelings under the anger, and if so, make an effort to acknowledge and experience those feelings.

• Notice the sensations in your body.

• Notice thoughts coming, going.  Notice if and how they change.

• Be curious about why this situation is so important to you.

 

2.  Self-Inquiry.    To determine what you want to do about the conflict, ask yourself:

• What specifically is the dispute, difference, or conflict I am experiencing?

•  With whom do I have this difference? What do I know about this person?

• When did the conflict arise and under what conditions did I experience it?

• What specifically triggered my reaction?

• What need do I have that is not being fulfilled because of this difference/dispute?

• Do I want to resolve these differences? (Am I ready to talk to the other person without blaming?)

•  Can I resolve this dispute in a kind and respectful way?

• Which precepts apply to this situation, my needs, agendas, goals, or intentions? (e.g., truthfulness, kindness, generosity).

• Given these reflections, do I still have a problem that I want to resolve?

 

3.  Help for Further Self-Exploration.     If you would like help in understanding your reactions and feelings, you can speak with:     

• A sangha teacher, who may help you find ways to explore the difficult feelings as a practice of “turning toward,” rather than away from, difficulty.

• A sangha friend, who may listen objectively and help you process your feelings.

 

4. Choosing to Reconcile with Another.     To ensure a positive experience and outcome from a conflict resolution meeting, it is important to approach the other person as a dharma friend.  In order to foster a willingness to learn together:

•  Sit in zazen together at one or more of our regular zazen sessions.

• ·Spend informal time, at the zendo or in a casual setting, with the person without discussing the difficulty yet.

• Think about what you have in common and also what you like or admire about the person, so as to soften a little any anxiety and negative feelings.

• Wait until you feel ready, but don’t wait forever, to initiate a meeting. When you feel able to speak respectfully with the other person, plan how you will ask to meet her/him, and then invite the person to meet.

•  Tell him/her what you want to talk about, but don’t go into detail or use blaming language.  For example, say, “I’d like to talk about how we can share our volunteer job more equally,” or “I’d like to discuss the disagreement we had last week.  I’ve had some further thoughts.”

• If you need help contacting the person, ask a Sangha Steward to set up the meeting and even facilitate it if you feel that will help you.  If you (or the other person) choose not to address the issue together, you can still gain a lot by continued self-reflection. You can explore other ways in which you can get your needs met. You can work with a teacher or steward to help you practice with your experience. In any case, return to Step 1 and observe over time the quality of your relationship with the other person—how it changes, what improves it, what makes it worse. Much can be learned from being attentive to the other person as well as to your own feelings.  The key is to take responsibility for your own experience.

 

Part B.     Exploring the Conflict:  Meeting Together

• A conflict exploration meeting has three stages:  1) stating and listening to the facts of the situation, 2) restating what each person has heard (and correcting any errors in what was said or heard), and 3) resolving the problem together by reconciling and planning for needed changes in behavior.

 

1. Stating the Actual.     The first task is to express and understand the facts of the situation so that everyone starts from the same place.

Because we don’t really know the causes and conditions of another person’s behavior, in order to resolve a disagreement, we must first state and review all the facts.  Only then can we begin to develop a solution together.  Follow these steps to begin the communication process:

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• Each person, one at a time, describes the situation leading to the disagreement, stating who, what, when, and where the problem/situation occurred, e.g., “I believe I was assigned to do the orientation Wednesday evening, but when I arrived to do it, you were already doing it.”

•  Each person, one at a time, describes his/her feelings about the situation.

  •  Avoid blaming or accusing the other person.

  • Don’t tell the other person what to do (later you will work together to make a plan for the future).

  • Speak only for yourself.  Use “I”- statements, e.g., “ When I found my work had been changed, I felt confused and discounted.”  “I thought my role was to clean the altar, so I felt I wasn’t being trusted to do my job when I found it had already been cleaned.”

• Follow the Buddha’s advice about beneficial communication:  “It is spoken at the right time.  It is spoken in truth.  It is spoken affectionately.  It is spoken beneficially.  It is spoken with a mind of good-will.” 

 

2. Listening Deeply.      While each person is stating what they believe is the actual and their feelings about it, the other person is “Listening Deeply,” which allows a situation to unfold in affection and mutual respect. To listen deeply:

• Stay focused on listening rather than on preparing your response.

• Practice non-attachment to your experience and the experience of the other person. Listen to yourself when you speak (your tone of voice); observe your body language and the energy behind your words.

• Keep “beginner’s mind” and “not knowing” foremost.

• Keep your sense of inquiry, exploration, and curiosity working. Spontaneous insight needs some freedom from discursive thought in order to arise.

 

3.  Restating What You Heard.     To avoid making assumptions, interpretations, and judgments about what was said, it is important to check that each person has correctly heard what the other has said:

• Each person, one at a time, briefly restates what the other has said or what was heard, allowing the restatement to be rephrased or corrected so that the speaker agrees that it is complete and accurate.

• If a Sangha Steward is present, he/she can also state what he/she heard from each person and check if that is what was intended.

 

Take the time needed for this step, as it becomes the first instance of agreement between the two people, laying the foundation for change. Also, be prepared for the possibility that you won’t agree right away and that you may need to meet more than once.

 

4.  Reconciliation and Action Planning.      Having discovered and acknowledged how each person has contributed to the disagreement, each person can share any further reflections, as appropriate and desired:

• Be specific about the words and deeds you may now wish to change.

• Ask yourself, “When I consider there is no fundamental difference between myself and the other person, do I still have a conflict with him/her?”

• If appropriate, offer an apology and ask for and receive forgiveness.

• Discuss and agree upon a plan for how you will communicate together in the future.

• If appropriate, set a future time to review your roles and relationship in order to continue on course together.

• If possible, conclude with gratitude toward each other (and the Steward).

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